So I told her. Everything.

It remains to be seen if ultimately I will have to let him go. She told me I didn’t have to but that was her doing the “right” thing. I really would not be surprised if they both decide they want to be together after this revelation.

I guess my fuckup helped in someway.

But I’m glad I told her. I care about her too much to lie to her..but then the train of thought follows that I should care about her too much to not put myself in such a position in the first place, right? Right.

I fucked up. Royally. But I am not sorry about what I did, because I know that I wanted it deep down inside. Would I change it? Hell yeah..but even then I’d change it for mostly selfish reasons. So…

These are the complexities of human emotion. I acted selfishly. I was tired of being the good friend & doing the “right” thing. For once, I wanted to do something completely self-fulfilling. I’m sorry that it had to be her..because she’s such a wonderful friend. I’m sorry that I couldn’t choose some friend I’m not really that close to to do this shit to. But..it is what it is.

I made my choices. I am now dealing with the consequences. I guess this is what they calling being a grown up..damn.

Lol I even told him it applies to us. He really seduced my mind. So I had no qualms or anxiety about sharing my body with him. It’s an interesting feeling to have, because it’s not love. We’re not there. But more so, respect? Mann, I don’t know.

He talks with me. He listens. He talks to me. We discuss politics, current events, musical likings. He’s mentally stimulating, and everyone knows how rare it can be to discover a mental connection with someone you find attractive.

He stimulates me mentally and physically. We’re working on the emotions, but they’re there..rippling beneath the surface. I think it’s caution, on both sides. 

- xoxo.

To do listen to your heart..or to do what is right. Why can’t they be both? Who says they’re not?

I’ve spent all my life doing “the right thing”. Being considerate of people’s feelings and desires. Ignoring mine for the sake of keeping the peace. At some point, one wants to be selfish and say..”I’m going to do this for ME & I don’t give a damn who likes it.” And to be honest, I’ve been learning how to do that, but this situation is testing me.

It’s especially hard because I must make the choice between severely damaging a valuable friendship (possibly forever) or missing out on the chance to experience happiness with someone, someone I have the potential to truly love.  

I do not wish to lose my friendship, it means the world to me. But neither do I wish to secretly be involved with someone, unable to share my joy with someone who means the world to me. The situation is complicated. I  have already made a few decisions that I will have to live with, and I am at peace with that.

I think the next decision I have to make is the one to let go..and not my friend, but him. I have to let him go because loyalty is everything, and I am not doing the “right” thing. Maybe one day, I can discuss it with her and it won’t be too late..but the time isn’t now. 

And would you believe I’ve gone through a tumult of emotions all in two weeks? In being completely honest with myself, I do not want to let him go. I want to be with him. I want to tell her about him. I want her to share in my joy of possibly finding someone to love. 

Don’t always get what we want..life.